So I am finally coming out of the funk I've been in lately. When you're looking at being a single mom and you're just so utterly terrified, it's a little hard to be optimistic. Luckily I have the best friends and family in the world, and you can thank them for bringing me out of my funk. There are four really funny things that have happened lately, so be prepared to pee yourself while reading this.
On Monday, my mom had to get a mammogram so we had to leave work early. We've decided to work an extra half hour a day to make it up rather than use PTO. Well yesterday she was all kinds of cracked out. Seriously, she was making me crazy. So we had a conversation over instant messenger that went like this.
Me: I clocked in at 6:39 so we can leave at 3:39 :)
Mom: Okie dokie peanut butter.
Me: Peanut butter? Seriously, where do you get your weed?
Mom: And ladies.
Me: No, jelly!
Mom: You put jelly on weed?
Me: I put cocaine on my waffles.
Mom: I fertilize my meth with eggs.
Me: Damn, I forgot to fertilize my meth. I hope it still grows.
As most of you know, we have a strange sense of humor and apparently this is how we express it. The next thing, actually, also has to deal with a strange sense of humor. They all do.
My aunt, Ned, is a worrier. No, her name isn't really Ned but shut up I call her what I want. Anyway, she's a worrier and poor little Nekolai, her grandson, has been really sick. She hasn't been sleeping because she's been up all night worrying, and she was looking into different kinds of medications that would help her sleep. So I said something to her about it today. Her response just floored me.
"Yeah, I've been looking into drugs and I think I found the right one. Uhh, meth. Yep, I think meth is the right one."
So I offered to grow her some. Yep, everyone in my family participates in this whole weird humor thing. For the record, none of us actually do drugs. So don't be calling DCFS on us saying we're endangering the small children we're around. They like helping us grow meth, it's fine.
My mom made and froze some cookie dough a week or so ago, and tonight I noticed that there was some left. So I said we should make it, and by "we" I of course meant "her". So she put the cookies in the oven and put it on Facebook, to which my best friend responded to and decided to come over. We were talking about how she doesn't really like her Queer Studies class and doesn't want to go tomorrow. I told her that at least she has an excuse if I go into labor on a Thursday so that she can come to the hospital and see my munchkin be born. And then came the imaginary conversation of what would happen if she said "my girlfriend is in labor" and it went like this.
Her: I can't come to class, my girlfriend is in labor.
Professor: Wait, how is your girlfriend in labor.
Her: She was CONFUSED. She's better now. I fixed her, with my magic vajeen.
I'm pretty sure she's secretly somehow related to me because she totally gets my weird, sick humor.
After she left, I went in my mom's room. She's decided to start dating again, so she was reading me some of the ridiculous stuff on some of the profiles. And then she went into her messages. She told me that she was pretty sure this guy was a fake profile because he was like way stupid. I had to remind her that stupid people actually exist. But this guy claimed to study languages as a hobby, yet wouldn't give a more complex answer than just a few simple words. So then my mom's conversation with him goes like this.
Her: You are a man of few words.
Him: breathless from your pics.
Her: And also full of shit.
And that is why I love my mother.
Those are a few thins over the past few days that have made me laugh. I know I've been kind of grumpy lately, but I'm coming out of my funk. Adjusting to the idea of being a single mom is a challenge, but thankfully I have the best support ever and they regularly make me laugh so hard I almost pee my pants.
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